Can Almost Go To Bed

I have barely a few more sentences to write for my history homework then I can go to bed. Wrap myself up in my electric blanket like a baked potatoe and doze off to sleep, I hope. I don't really have much to report, an uneventful weekend at best which I can't really ask for me. I've been pretty tired lately so I've just been sleeping alot. I think I'll finish my homework now, I'm real tired. No call yet, still waiting. More later I promise

Waiting for my Sister

I just talked to my sister on Facebook. I asked her to come up and see me because of how I'm feeling. I don't know if I really would but I'm afraid of my state of mind, I just can't bare to be alone right now. I hate that I do this to her. I'm sure she would rather spend the time with her boyfriend. I'm sure he is much happier to be around. I know I should be doing homework, I can't believe I'm such a screw up, that I feel so screwed up.

I told my mom on Tuesday that I'm considering taking myself off the list. The mental strain is getting to much for me to bare, the waiting. I feel like I'm going crazy every day. Like every time the phone rings I'm either going to throw up or cry. Everyone annoys me and the constant physical pain is a 24/7 reminder that you are Gods bad practicle joke. To top everything off I'm in school full time, which I think is like the icing on the cake. How can I do homework, go to class, focus, try to learn something be engaged, be on the transplant list, be giving myself IV antibiotics 3 times a day, rest, worry about finances, life, no social life, and be happy at the same time? Someone please tell me cause I just don't get it.

It just feels like everyone around me is mad at me. Telling me to wake up, just hold on. Screw you, you just hold on. It's not that easy is it. Trying to stay sane. I wish I could use school to destract me but everytime I try to actively engage my brain shuts down. I shut down, sleep feels so much more peaceful, thats why I sleep so much. But the problem is I'm just diffing myself in deeper. I know if my dad heard that I wanted to take myself off the transplant list I would get screamed at. Said I was selfish, then a few extra screams about money and how hard HE works.

I really do want to the transplant, I just don't want the crazy that goes with it. I just want the crazy to go away.

A Perfect Homework Night

It's Thursday night, techniqually my Friday night and I find myself once again in bed. I don't know what it is about being in bed. Yes I love it cause I'm tired and its comfortable, but there is something about it, as if the sickness can't get worse if I'm in bed. I can't even believe how much work I have to do and it's almost as if it isn't fazing me right now just cause life feels so rediculous. I wish I had more to say, I'll think on it a while!!

50 Minutes

I'm supposed to be in class in 50 minutes and I haven't even gotten out of my PJ's gotten my stuff together or gotten my coffee. It takes every ounce of strength in me to go to class these days. I used to jump out of bed looking forward to going to class, but now it is like torchure. I don't like walking. I don't like being glared at cause I'm wearing oxygen. Hearing that we have MORE homework to do makes me want to cry. It's times like these I stare at my phone the hardest. RING DAMN IT RING!!! DON'T MAKE ME GO, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO. It's times like these life feels like a mean joke, when I can't help but think God has a sick sense of humor. 48 minutes to go, I better get going. I'll write more later.

First Blog, an Introduction

Well this is my first blog post. I don't really know why I am starting a blog. Maybe it is just selfish, a plugging of a hole that needs to be filled. More likely it is another thing to do instead of homework, the mounds and mounds of homework that I currently have and don't have the energy to care about let alone do. But where do I start.

I am 23, my birthday is in June. I watch too much TV and don't read enough. My favorite drink is Pepsi even though I'm a diabetic. My favorite animal is a gorilla. I don't like spicey food, I don't like roller coasters. I'm afraid of driving into water and drowning (it's a reoccuring dream)... oh and I am currently on the active lung transplant waiting list becaues I can't breath. I live on and off oxygen, I'm not to bad when I'm just sitting still, but when I get up to move at all, I feel like death warmed over.

Actually, in general I feel like death warmed over which is the hardest part of all. The hardest part is having a health mind and a sick brain. It drives you crazy, you can't help but hate yourself becaues you can't do what everyone wants you to do, or everything you think you should be doing.

I have been saying over the past few weeks that I am starting to loose it. The stress of being on the transplant list is unlike anything I can describe. Everytime the phone rings I feel like I'm going to throw up. Wishing to hard for the good things scares the hell out of me. Waiting for something worse to happen, waiting to die, thats what it feels like. A huge part of me just wants to take myself off so it can just be all over. The stress would be gone, the scariness, the lack of control, THE PAIN!!! The nagging from everyone I know, feeling like no matter what it's never good enough for them, or like I'm going to get in trouble or be blamed for every decision I make. The truth is I don't know whats pushing me to stay alive anymore. At this point living feels like a habit not an adventure.

But I'm going to keep writing. Letting people who look at this, or don't look at this know whats going on. Maybe that will give me a little hope.