First Blog, an Introduction

Well this is my first blog post. I don't really know why I am starting a blog. Maybe it is just selfish, a plugging of a hole that needs to be filled. More likely it is another thing to do instead of homework, the mounds and mounds of homework that I currently have and don't have the energy to care about let alone do. But where do I start.

I am 23, my birthday is in June. I watch too much TV and don't read enough. My favorite drink is Pepsi even though I'm a diabetic. My favorite animal is a gorilla. I don't like spicey food, I don't like roller coasters. I'm afraid of driving into water and drowning (it's a reoccuring dream)... oh and I am currently on the active lung transplant waiting list becaues I can't breath. I live on and off oxygen, I'm not to bad when I'm just sitting still, but when I get up to move at all, I feel like death warmed over.

Actually, in general I feel like death warmed over which is the hardest part of all. The hardest part is having a health mind and a sick brain. It drives you crazy, you can't help but hate yourself becaues you can't do what everyone wants you to do, or everything you think you should be doing.

I have been saying over the past few weeks that I am starting to loose it. The stress of being on the transplant list is unlike anything I can describe. Everytime the phone rings I feel like I'm going to throw up. Wishing to hard for the good things scares the hell out of me. Waiting for something worse to happen, waiting to die, thats what it feels like. A huge part of me just wants to take myself off so it can just be all over. The stress would be gone, the scariness, the lack of control, THE PAIN!!! The nagging from everyone I know, feeling like no matter what it's never good enough for them, or like I'm going to get in trouble or be blamed for every decision I make. The truth is I don't know whats pushing me to stay alive anymore. At this point living feels like a habit not an adventure.

But I'm going to keep writing. Letting people who look at this, or don't look at this know whats going on. Maybe that will give me a little hope.