Waiting for my Sister

I just talked to my sister on Facebook. I asked her to come up and see me because of how I'm feeling. I don't know if I really would but I'm afraid of my state of mind, I just can't bare to be alone right now. I hate that I do this to her. I'm sure she would rather spend the time with her boyfriend. I'm sure he is much happier to be around. I know I should be doing homework, I can't believe I'm such a screw up, that I feel so screwed up.

I told my mom on Tuesday that I'm considering taking myself off the list. The mental strain is getting to much for me to bare, the waiting. I feel like I'm going crazy every day. Like every time the phone rings I'm either going to throw up or cry. Everyone annoys me and the constant physical pain is a 24/7 reminder that you are Gods bad practicle joke. To top everything off I'm in school full time, which I think is like the icing on the cake. How can I do homework, go to class, focus, try to learn something be engaged, be on the transplant list, be giving myself IV antibiotics 3 times a day, rest, worry about finances, life, no social life, and be happy at the same time? Someone please tell me cause I just don't get it.

It just feels like everyone around me is mad at me. Telling me to wake up, just hold on. Screw you, you just hold on. It's not that easy is it. Trying to stay sane. I wish I could use school to destract me but everytime I try to actively engage my brain shuts down. I shut down, sleep feels so much more peaceful, thats why I sleep so much. But the problem is I'm just diffing myself in deeper. I know if my dad heard that I wanted to take myself off the transplant list I would get screamed at. Said I was selfish, then a few extra screams about money and how hard HE works.

I really do want to the transplant, I just don't want the crazy that goes with it. I just want the crazy to go away.